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avatar ilikesidehugs 1 mon.ago

My wife read a draft of a mystery novel I’m working on. She goes, “I don’t get it…in chapter two you randomly wrote ‘shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow’…what the hell does that even mean??”

I’m like, “Babe…it’s called four-shadowing.”

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In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!

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1. My tailor told me my suit was a ‘Mark-F’…

Which is one size bigger than a Marquee!

2. My goal for this weekend is to move, just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

3. Pretty sure my girlfriend’s cheating... the signs are right there.

I think my dyslexic girlfriend is cheating on me. She keeps texting me that she wants to do Alan.

4. Yo mama so drunk, when she took a breathalyzer test, it vaporized the police officer

5. A couple were playing golf

His ball ended up behind the greenkeepers shed. His wife said "Open the front and back doors, take out the mower and play through the shed" They do this, he lines up the shot, swings, and the ball hits the beam at the top of the door, comes back, hits his wife in the head and kills her. The man is devastated and gives up golf for years. Eventually he finds new love and decides to try golf again. By coincidence his ball ends up behind the greenkeepers shed again. His new girlfriend says "Open the doors, take out the mower and play through the shed." "No." he replies, "Last time I did that I ended up three shots over."

6. A guy asks his wife for sex, and she replies, "I can't, it's Lent."

Furious, he yells, "to whom and for how long?!"

7. Yo momma so fat she walked in front of the TV and we missed all of Wheel of Fortune

8. I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil…

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

9. I suggested to my wife that we should give up sex for lent…

She replied that aren’t we supposed to give up something we enjoy?

10. I used to study 19th century German philosophy

But I decided it was a bit too Nietzsche

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